True Stories

[This is an article from an actual medical journal]

UNUSUAL CASE
by William A. Morton, Jr, MD

Scrotum Self-Repair

One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about 40, was pale. febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin.

After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped around his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.

Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked and had closed the laceration himself with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.

We x-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexaclorophrene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatie cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels lifated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.

Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his coworkers. Finding himself alone, he began the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound close and resumed his work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self-gratification.

Please Remember - This is an ACTUAL case history.


IT's The Law

* In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

* It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.

* In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

* No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

* Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.

* Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)

* In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

* The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
* An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!

* A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

* In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job-- for men only-- called a corset inspector.)

* However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded merican male."

* It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

* Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

* Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

* In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

* A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.

* Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio-- a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't"

* No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.


Aphorisms

1. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie

2. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

3. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

4. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960

5. Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."

6. With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm

7. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

8. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

9. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

10. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
-- Dave Barry

11. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown

12. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James

13. Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway. -- Andrew Tannenbaum

14. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. -- Mark Twain

15. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

16. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry

17. I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls. -- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)

18. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl. 19. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

20. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast

21. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips

22. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

23. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones

24. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_

25. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

26. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp

27. Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

28. I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! -- Monty Python

29. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. -- George Carlin
30. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

31. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy

32. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

33. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

34. Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.

35. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

36. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.

37. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.

3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. --David Letterman

38. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

39. For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson

40. I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five. -- Charles Barkley

41. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
-- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"

42. The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. -- D. E. Knuth, 1967

43. A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

44. An Animated Cartoon Theology:
1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.
5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
-- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"

45. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

46. Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

47. On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

48. The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs. -- E. Grebenik

49. Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."

50. Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. -- Old Farmer's Almanac

51. G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

52. The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. -- Plutarch

53. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." -- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]

54. The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. -- Salvador Dali

55. What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. -- Sigmund Freud

56. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson

57. Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain

58. "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog


Bumper Stickers for All

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."
"REHAB is for quitters"
"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !! "
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!"
"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill."
"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
"I'm not as think as you drunk I am"
"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! "
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"i souport publik edekasion"
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"2 + 2 =3D 5 for extremely large values of 2."
"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."


Windshield test

In a recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted from "Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:

"Use a thawed chicken."