[This is an article from an actual medical journal]
by William A. Morton, Jr, MD
One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head
ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to
describe his problem other than to say that he "needed a
doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about
40, was pale. febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had
little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose
a bit of angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin.
After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient
permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or
three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped around
his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a
grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration,
oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.
Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various
exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and
asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier,
he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where
he worked and had closed the laceration himself with a
heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch
staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.
We x-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the
staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus
antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and
hexaclorophrene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning.
The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the
left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were
retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened.
The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump
of the spermatie cord was recovered at the inguinal canal,
debrided, and the vessels lifated properly, though not much
of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose
drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely
Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release
from the hospital a week later, the patient confided the rest
of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn't
leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his coworkers. Finding
himself alone, he began the regular practice of masturbating
by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large
floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached
orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt.
When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel
and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few
feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps
too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound close and
resumed his work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of
Please Remember - This is an ACTUAL case history.
IT's The Law
* In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to
shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.
* It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during
* In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or
fishing on your wedding day.
* No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions,
or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests,
law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
* Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to
take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding
you in his arms.
* Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of
the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-- if they're nude.
(Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)
* In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin
beds. And the beds must be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a
room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between
* The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each
guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are
married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing
one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
* An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having
sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
* A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master,
not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
* In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There
was a civil-service job-- for men only-- called a corset inspector.)
* However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets
because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a
young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded merican male."
* It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers
aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who
thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three
times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to
* Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table
in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of
* Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful
urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are
frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
* In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked
vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has
curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
* A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced or widowed woman, you can't
parachute on Sunday afternoons.
* Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio-- a man
might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't"
* No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the
boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a
sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper."
The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
1. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers. -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie
2. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
3. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
4. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the
unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness,
The New York Times, 1960
5. Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all
the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."
6. With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm
7. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
8. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to
pound in the correct screw.
9. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
10. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years
and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make
some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
-- Dave Barry
11. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown
12. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices. -- William James
13. Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes
hurtling down the highway. -- Andrew Tannenbaum
14. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom
that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits
down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot
stove-lid again---and that is well; but also she will never sit
down on a cold one anymore. -- Mark Twain
15. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in
-- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
16. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without
even considering if there are men on base.
-- Dave Barry
17. I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly
for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers
-- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from
physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at
fancy dress balls. -- Editor of the Limerick Times
18. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
19. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your
triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion
Chinese couldn't care less.
20. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast
21. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather
straps. -- Emo Phillips
22. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
23. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones
24. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn
from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their
apparent disinclination to do so.
-- Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_
25. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not
important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying
me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
-- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
26. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist,
a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God
of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't
believe?" -- Quentin Crisp
27. Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two
nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary
rights of another. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
28. I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and
tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this
country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm
sick and tired of being told that I am! -- Monty Python
29. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin
30. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
31. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy
32. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of
which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
33. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
34. Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
35. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
36. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
37. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you
think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
38. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace
your principles or your mistress."
39. For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow
but phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson
40. I think that the team that wins game five will win the series.
Unless we lose game five. -- Charles Barkley
41. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but
then I realized that I had no character.
-- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself
"the Charles Barkley of figure skating"
42. The most important thing in the programming language is the name.
A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently
invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable
language. -- D. E. Knuth, 1967
43. A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's
left of your unit. -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS
magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
Animated Cartoon Theology:
1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned,
bombed, and plucked for music.
5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by
their own cunning.
6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed
by their own momentum.
7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion
-- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"
45. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
46. Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they
don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
47. On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor
Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To
which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest
grade the University will allow me to award."
48. The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average
(mean) number of legs. -- E. Grebenik
49. Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three
50. Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding
you. -- Old Farmer's Almanac
51. G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air
and scatter oneself over a wide area."
-- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4
52. The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
53. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone
wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than
-- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]
54. The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
-- Salvador Dali
55. What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant
intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average
adult. -- Sigmund Freud
56. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone,
but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson
57. Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain
58. "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog
Bumper Stickers for All
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."
"REHAB is for quitters"
"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !! "
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!"
"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill."
"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
"I'm not as think as you drunk I am"
"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! "
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"i souport publik edekasion"
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"2 + 2 =3D 5 for extremely large values of 2."
"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
In a recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted from
"Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation,
telling the following story:
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for
testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that
launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed
the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the
carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a
windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They
borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The
ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's
chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of
the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the
test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test
thoroughly and had one recommendation:
"Use a thawed chicken."