"Darwin Award" Nominee
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IT's The Law
Why... what if?
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Toasters of the World
You may know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to
the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing
themselves in> the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner
was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on
top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And this year's nominee is:
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal
embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of
The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a
The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally
figured out what it was and what had happened.
It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet
Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give
heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from
short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert
and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO
unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the
1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles
from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched
and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly,
would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy
to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power
for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most
likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for
dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him
to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the
automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles
(15-20) seconds before the driver applied and completely melted the
brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road
surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and
impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened
crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small
fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and
fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris
believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
o Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says
o Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
o Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
o Drunk gets nine months in violin case
o Survivor of siamese twins joins parents
o Farmer Bill dies in house
o Iraqi head seeks arms
o Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
o Stud tires out
o Prostitutes appeal to Pope
o Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
o Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
o British left waffles on Falkland Islands
o Eye drops off shelf
o Teacher strikes idle kids
o Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
o Squad helps dog bite victim
o Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
o Enraged cow injures farmer with axe
o Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
o Miners refuse to work after death
o Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
o Stolen painting found by tree
o Two soviet ships collide, one dies
o 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
o Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
o Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
o Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
o War dims hope for peace
o If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
o Cold wave linked to temperatures
o Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide
[This is an article from an actual medical journal]
by William A. Morton, Jr, MD
One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head
ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to
describe his problem other than to say that he "needed a
doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about
40, was pale. febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had
little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose
a bit of angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin.
After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient
permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or
three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped around
his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a
grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration,
oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.
Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various
exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and
asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier,
he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where
he worked and had closed the laceration himself with a
heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch
staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.
We x-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the
staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus
antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and
hexaclorophrene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning.
The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the
left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were
retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened.
The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump
of the spermatie cord was recovered at the inguinal canal,
debrided, and the vessels lifated properly, though not much
of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose
drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely
Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release
from the hospital a week later, the patient confided the rest
of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn't
leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his coworkers. Finding
himself alone, he began the regular practice of masturbating
by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large
floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached
orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt.
When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel
and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few
feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps
too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound close and
resumed his work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of
Please Remember - This is an ACTUAL case history.
* In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to
shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.
* It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during
* In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or
fishing on your wedding day.
* No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions,
or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests,
law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
* Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to
take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding
you in his arms.
* Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of
the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-- if they're nude.
(Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)
* In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin
beds. And the beds must be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a
room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between
* The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each
guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are
married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing
one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
* An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having
sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
* A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master,
not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
* In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There
was a civil-service job-- for men only-- called a corset inspector.)
* However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets
because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a
young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded merican male."
* It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers
aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who
thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three
times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to
* Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table
in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of
* Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful
urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are
frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
* In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked
vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has
curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
* A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced or widowed woman, you can't
parachute on Sunday afternoons.
* Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio-- a man
might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't"
* No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the
boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a
sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper."
The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
height, what would happen?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks
on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the
If you are going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if
the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?
Up-and-coming visionaries get chided all the time by the establishment. Here
are some classics that will inspire them to power on for the betterment of
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is
a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital
Equipment Corp., 1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently
of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who
would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn
better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred
Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and
not Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
"Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports
say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.
The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives
for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing,
even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
funding us? Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay
our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So
then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't
need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get
Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and
reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum
against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge
ladled out daily in high schools."
--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
revolutionary rocket work.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across
all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life.
You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an
unalterable condition of weight training."
--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable"
problem by inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project
to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from
the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-
Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981
1. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers. -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie
2. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
3. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
4. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the
unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness,
The New York Times, 1960
5. Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all
the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."
6. With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm
7. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
8. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to
pound in the correct screw.
9. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
10. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years
and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make
some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
-- Dave Barry
11. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown
12. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices. -- William James
13. Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes
hurtling down the highway. -- Andrew Tannenbaum
14. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom
that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits
down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot
stove-lid again---and that is well; but also she will never sit
down on a cold one anymore. -- Mark Twain
15. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in
-- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
16. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without
even considering if there are men on base.
-- Dave Barry
17. I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly
for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers
-- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from
physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at
fancy dress balls. -- Editor of the Limerick Times
18. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
19. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your
triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion
Chinese couldn't care less.
20. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast
21. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather
straps. -- Emo Phillips
22. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
23. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones
24. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn
from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their
apparent disinclination to do so.
-- Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_
25. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not
important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying
me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
-- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
26. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist,
a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God
of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't
believe?" -- Quentin Crisp
27. Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two
nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary
rights of another. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
28. I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and
tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this
country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm
sick and tired of being told that I am! -- Monty Python
29. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin
30. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
31. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy
32. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of
which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
33. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
34. Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
35. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
36. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
37. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you
think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
38. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace
your principles or your mistress."
39. For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow
but phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson
40. I think that the team that wins game five will win the series.
Unless we lose game five. -- Charles Barkley
41. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but
then I realized that I had no character.
-- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself
"the Charles Barkley of figure skating"
42. The most important thing in the programming language is the name.
A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently
invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable
language. -- D. E. Knuth, 1967
43. A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's
left of your unit. -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS
magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
Animated Cartoon Theology:
1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned,
bombed, and plucked for music.
5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by
their own cunning.
6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed
by their own momentum.
7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion
-- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"
45. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
46. Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they
don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
47. On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor
Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To
which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest
grade the University will allow me to award."
48. The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average
(mean) number of legs. -- E. Grebenik
49. Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three
50. Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding
you. -- Old Farmer's Almanac
51. G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air
and scatter oneself over a wide area."
-- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4
52. The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
53. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone
wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than
-- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]
54. The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
-- Salvador Dali
55. What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant
intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average
adult. -- Sigmund Freud
56. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone,
but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson
57. Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain
58. "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."
"REHAB is for quitters"
"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !! "
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!"
"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill."
"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
"I'm not as think as you drunk I am"
"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! "
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"i souport publik edekasion"
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"2 + 2 =3D 5 for extremely large values of 2."
"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
In a recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted from
"Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation,
telling the following story:
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for
testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that
launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed
the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the
carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a
windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They
borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The
ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's
chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of
the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the
test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test
thoroughly and had one recommendation:
"Use a thawed chicken."
If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide
market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a
toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have
to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence
requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to
power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would
claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or
dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other
appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft
toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good
bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, and 5 years
earlier, but would only toast bread sold by Apple.
If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would
get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Tandy made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it.
Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles
of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine
was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away
and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast
and gives you regular bread.
If Cray made toasters..
They would cost ?16 million but would be faster than any other
single-slice toaster in the world and would toast 64,000 thousand
pieces of bread at the same time.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every
morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service
department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints
for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files
would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of
If Sony made toasters...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of
bread it is meant to toast, could be conveniently attached to your
And if Turnpike made toasters? ......
They'd have a large grey button which pops up and asks "Do you want
to toast now?" ... "Are you really really sure you want to toast now"
... "Aw, think about the advantages of cancelling first" ... "OK, if
must" ... "Sending message to Demon: stoke the boilers, crank up the
ROMPs, posting toast to Demon". "Toast failed to connect to server"
... "Expiring toast now" "Two pieces of toast expired"