Top ten signs you should spend time away from computers
TOP TEN REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE
You know you're addicted to the Internet When..
Why the Internet is like a Penis
New Computer Viruses
Bill Gates in Heaven
10. Your blood pressure is 640 over 480.
9. Every time you drown, Philippe Kahn's life passes before your
8. You can't remember the last time you went out with your
buddies and got seriously defragged.
7. You turn down dates because you have to clean your Windows
6. As your significant other is walking out on you, you plead
"Can't we just do a clean boot?"
5. When you don't agree with people, you keep saying NAK at them.
4. Your life has lost its meaning since Intel and Microsoft
announced Plug and Play.
3. 900 numbers? Never touch 'em. But you've racked up $2,500 in
IRC connect-time bills this year.
2. The Microsoft Natural Keyboard seems like a pretty neat idea.
1. You got more than half the jokes in this list.
10. Size does matter.
9. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
8. The lights go on, but nodbodys home.
7. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
6. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right button
4. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
3. It is always necessary to have a backup.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless!
-You refuse to go on a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines
-Your bookmark takes fifteen minutes to scroll from top to bottom
-You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to
call 200 hours per month "unlimited".
-Your phone bill comes to your door in a box
-You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape
-All of your friends have an @ in their names
-The last girl/guy you picked up was only a jpeg
-You start tilting your head sideways to smile :-)
-Your eyeglasses have a website burned in on them
-You don't know the sex of your closest friends because they all
have neutral nicknames
-You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling like you
just pulled the plug on a loved one.
-You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
-You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved
-You kiss your girlfriends home page instead of her.
-You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim/html
-You actually try that 123.elm.street address
-You wake up at 3am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail
on the way back to bed.
-You check your e-mail. It says no messages, so you check it again.
-Your fantasy dreams at night at in HTML.
And the number 1 reason you know you're addicted to the Internet is when...
-You get a tatoo that says, "This body is best viewed with Netscape 3.1
It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up,
but hard to get any real work done.
If you don't apply protective measures, it can spread
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses- and confuses-
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its
actual size and influence warrant.
If you're not careful, it can get you in big trouble.
Some people have it, some don't
People who have it would be devastated if it were cut off-
and they think those who don't have it want it.
People who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy
but think it's not worth the fuss made about it.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.
Some people would play with it all day if they didn't
have to work. Of course, some people do anyways!
Bobbit Virus: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then reattaches
it. (But that part will never work again.)
Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,
and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T Virus: Every three minutes tells you what great service you are
MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T virus.
Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It
warns you of an impending hard disk attack once if by LAN, twice if by
Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead
refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Right to Life Virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of
how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to
first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
Ross Perot Virus: Activates every componenet in your system, just
before the whole damn thing quits.
Mario Cuomo Virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
Ted Turner Virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Arnold Schwarzeneger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be
Dan Quayle Virus #1: Prevents your system from spawning any child
process without joining into a binary network.
Dan Quayle Virus #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe
just cant figyour out watt!!
Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.
Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Gallup Virus: Sixty percent of PC's infected will lose 38% of their
data 14% of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error)
Terry Randle Virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever your choose
"Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
Texas Virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file
Adam & Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically
with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the
Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own
PBS Virus: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self
destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
across rural America.
Ollie North Virus: Causes your computer to become paper shredder.
Nike Virus: Just does it.
Sears Virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power
supply, and set of shocks.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again.
Congressional Virus: Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Kevorkian Virus: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
Imelda Marcos Virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up,
then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on
expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy
Star Trek Virus: Invades you system in places no virus has gone
Health Care Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong,
and sends you a bill for $4,500.
George Bush Virus: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs... No
new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space
on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional
Cleveland Indians Virus: Makes your 486/50 perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on the
your PC and erases them in self defense.
OJ Simpson Virus #1: Leaves your data at Nicole Simpson's condo, then
when the police retrieves the data it will no longer fit on your hard
OJ Simpson Virus #2: / / \ / / \ Esc
Bill Gates in Heaven
Bill Gates dies and goes to the pearly gates (no relation). St. Peter
asks him whether he wants to go to heaven or hell and Gates says,
"What the heck, show me hell." Well, hell turns out to be naked babes
playing volleyball on the beach, rock bands swinging, lots of beer
being guzzled. Gates asks for a glimpse of heaven and is shown
elderly people on park benches, feeding the birds, and others playing
chess and gin rummy. "Uh, very nice," murmurs Gates, "but I think I
prefer hell," at which he is plunged into molten lava. In
excruciating pain, he hollers up at St. Peter, "Hey, where's the beach
and the babes?" Looking down from his Macintosh, St. Peter says,
"Sorry, Bill, that was the beta."