Top ten things that sound dirty at the office, but aren't
Why I Fired My Secretary
It has been brought to management's attention that some
individuals throughout the company have been using foul language
during the course of normal conversation with other employees.
Due to complaints received from some employees who are more easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
None of less we do realize the critical importance of
individuals being able to properly express their feelings
when communicating with fellow employees. Therefore, a list of
code phrase replacements has been compiled so proper exchange of ideas
and information can continue in an effective manner without risk
of offending our more sensitive co-workers.
OLD PHRASE ---> NEW PHRASE
No fucking way! ---> I'm certain that's not feasible.
You've got to be shitting me! ---> Really?
Tell someone who gives a fuck! ---> Perhaps you should check
Ask me if I give a fuck! ---> Of course I'm concerned.
It's not my fucking problem! ---> I wasn't involved with that
What the fuck? ---> Interesting.
Fuck it, it won't work! ---> I'm not sure I can implement
Why the fuck didn't you tell me that sooner? ---> I'll try to schedule that.
When the fuck do you expect me to do this? ---> Perhaps I can work late.
Who the fuck cares? ---> Are you sure this is a problem?
He's got his head up his ass! ---> He's not familiar with the
Eat shit! ---> You don't say?
Eat shit and die! ---> Excuse me?
Eat shit and die motherfucker! ---> Excuse me, sir?
What the fuck do they want from my life? ---> They weren't happy with it?
Kiss my ass! ---> So you'd like my help with
Fuck it, I'm on salary! ---> I don't think you understand.
Shove it up your ass! ---> I love a challenge.
Who the hell died and made you the boss? ---> You want me to take careof this?
Blow me! ---> I see.
Blow yourself! ---> Do you see?
Another fucking meeting? ---> Yes, we really should discuss
I really don't give a shit! ---> I don't think it will be
He's a fucking prick! ---> He's somewhat insensitive.
She's a ball-breaking bitch! ---> She's an aggressive go-getter.
You don't know what the fuck you're doing! ---> I think you could use more training.
This place is all fucked up! ---> We're a little disorganized.
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well
trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of
the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing
that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to
take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE
TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before
they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are
full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training
others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST
(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get
the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY
PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
I suggest that the IMG form an adjunct Human Engineering and
Staff (S.H.I.T. H.E.A.D.S.) to guarantee universal implementation of
1. I need to whip it out by 5!
2. Mind if I use your laptop?
3. Put it in my box before I leave.
4. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
5. I want it on my desk, NOW!
6. HMMMMMMMMMMM, I think its out of fluid.
7. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
8. Its an entry level position.
9. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
10. Its not fair . . . I do all the work while he just sits there.
Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot
that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be
pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me. She
didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well,
that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into
breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was
feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning,
Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had
I worked until noon.
About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a
beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into
the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office. Do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a
cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into
the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out...
.. carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children.
All were singing Happy Birthday.
... and there on the couch I sat...
... with nothing on but my socks......