85 RULES AND INSTRUCTIONS ON BEING A MAN
1. Don't call. EVER.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her
figure it out by herself.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and
unoriginal, such as "Spike"
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you
mailed it to them/already gave it to them.
6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a
grunt will do.
8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it
isn't your fault.
10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help ---
don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only
monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
14. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
15. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in
16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best
friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not
giving up on her.
17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend
picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
20. Deny everything. Everything.
21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her.
Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you.
(Probably all of them --- you're a man remember?) They really
want to know.
22. Don't have a clue.
23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
24. No means yes.
25. Yes means no.
26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel.
You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important
27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions
28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often
signifies the end of a relationship.
29. Feelings? What feelings?
30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at
something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.
31. Lie I tell you!!
32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed
into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still
must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for
Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic
Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce
33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual
34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various
genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make
a replica of your penis. Exaggerate the dimensions by 25%).
36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying
37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you
completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
38. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss
her again. Repeat cycle.
40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial
things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see
44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
45. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen,
47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with
people you don't know.
48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with
people you don't know.
49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing,
DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
51. You are male, therefore you are superior.
52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with
yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to
54. Don't ever notice anything.
55. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't
say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in
love with YOU, and then tell her.
56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically
you've done nothing wrong.
60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you
have to cry about, anyway?
61. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
63. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
64. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this
phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until
a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes
hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and
others will worship your skills.
66. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long,
laugh loud, laugh heartily.
68. If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how
hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor
you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of
70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want
to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't
talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
71. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to
speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you
are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
73. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell
the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave
for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked,
sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her dad's room and
tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like
hell. (true story.)
75. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone
else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the
one who wanted to end the relationship.
76. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls
77. Default facial expression: blank stare.
78. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up
your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull
it out of your ass.
79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do,
first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work,
go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you
don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to
do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET,
finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and
then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually,
people will stop asking you to do things.
80. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or
81. Beer. Then more beer.
82. One word: FOOTBALL!
83. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want
the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
84. Discuss your pecs at every opportunity.