"you wouldn't happen to have....?"
where do babies come from?
Dishes and Vaseline
A new priest and his first mass
Give Us This Day...
THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO MALTA
THE BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR
Little Johnny tells it like it is
WHAT AM I?
A Poem Written by an African Shakespeare
I'm gonna get lucky
All you S.O.B.s
WHO'S THE BOSS?
The world according to Steven Wright
"you wouldn't happen to have....?"
There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for
the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was
being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A hurricane came
up unexpectedly and the ship went down almost instantly.
The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an
island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no
supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and
coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided
to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas,
drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship
to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking
for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it
be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came
this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or
at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair
flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She
spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her
attention. She rowed her boat towards him.
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this
island when my cruise ship sank" "Amazing", he said, "I didn't know
anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you
get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat
wash-up with you?"
"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing
"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" I made the
rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, replied the
woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the
bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a
"But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did you
"Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the island
there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that
If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to
make the hardware. But, enough of that, she said. Where do you live?"
At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the
beach. "Well, let's row over to my place, she said." So they both got
into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach
to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp
rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood
an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, she said, but I call it home. Sit down please, would
you like to have a drink?"
"No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke."
"It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still, how
about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man
accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked,
"Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on
the cruise ship". "Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's
razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer
questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the
cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a
hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel
mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.
"You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into
something more comfortable." So she did.
And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the
woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling
faintly of gardenia.
"Tell me, she asked, we have both been out here for a very long time
with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is
there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman
need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now."
"Yes there is, the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while
fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an
This guy walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and asks for a
rum and coke.
The bartender puts an apple on the table...the guy looks at it and
repeats..I said I want a rum and coke.
The bartender says just try the apple.
So the guy bites into the apple...and replies, wow this taste like rum.
The bartender tells him to turn it around...he bites in again and replies,
wow it taste like coke.
A minute later another guy walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a
gin and tonic.
The bartender puts an apple on the table...this guy just as confused as
the first explains he wants a gin and tonic.
The guy next to him urges him to try it.
So the guy bites into it...wow it taste like gin.
The guy tells him to turn it around...he bites in it again...wow it taste
Later that night another guy walks in a joins the two guys at the bar.
The guys are so excited about these apples that they tell this guy that
the bartender has an apple for which ever taste you want.
So the guy asks for an apple that taste like pussy.
The bartender puts the apple on the table.....the guy bites into it and
says...this taste like SHIT!!!
The bartender replies...turn it around!
There's was a horrendous storm which caused massive flooding for miles around
this village. The flooding continued for at least a week. Now there was this
one resident who was an extremely
religious elderly man.
On the second day of flooding, the National Guard evacuated the entire
village, but the man refused to go. "This is my home," he said "and I am
staying. I have put my faith in God to protect me and keep me from harm."
On the third day, the flood was about six feet deep, and the man took refuge
on the roof of his house. A woman in a rowboat came by to try to rescue the
man. He refused to go. "I believe that God will protect me. I have faith."
On the fourth day, the flood had begun to creep onto the roof. A Coast Guard
boat came by and tried to convince the old man to come with them. "I'm not
leaving," he stated. "This is my home. God will protect me."
On the fifth day, the old man was standing on the very top of the roof and the
water was up to his knees. A helicopter came to
rescue him with a rope-ladder, but he would not be rescued.
"Leave me be. My God will protect me."
On the sixth day, the old man drowned.
When the old man finally made it through the pearly gates and was presented
before God, he said "God, I've had great faith in you throughout my life, but
I can't help but feel that in my last hours, when I needed you most, you left
me to drown. Why did you leave me behind that way?"
And God said, "I sent you two boats and a helicopter! What else do you
A young man wished to buy a Christmas present for his sweetheart and, as they
had not been dating long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of
gloves would be romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's
sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The
sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the gift wrapping, the
items got mixed up. (The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the
contents, the young man sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart with
the following note:
This is a little gift to show how much I love you this Christmas. I chose
these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go
out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have
chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are
easy to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair
that she had worn for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales
girl try them on and she really looked good wearing them. There was another
black pair with lace trim that I thought you'd really like, but it seemed to
gripped too tightly when both your sister and the sales girl tried them on for
me; in fact, I had to use both hands to help each of them slip out of those.
I wish I could be there to put them on you for the first time as, no doubt,
other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have the chance to see
you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as
they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will
kiss them during the coming year. I hope you like them and will wear them for me next
With all my love,
P.S. The sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the latest
style, folded down with the fur showing.
The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been
broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the
government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant
through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy
father - a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's
problem by impregnating the wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due
to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man
should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer
rings the bell...
Ms Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to-"
Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies,
Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in
and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this
is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to
really spread out."
Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked
for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot
from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with
the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to
Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take
his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but
you'd be disappointed with that."
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just
look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on
top of a bus in downtown London."
Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town.
They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."
Ms Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to
Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked
under such impossible conditions. People were crowding
around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so
excited she started bouncing around, squealing and
yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid
I had to ask a couple of men restrain her. By that time
darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots.
When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just
packed it all in."
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my
work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented
technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front
window of a big department store."
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that
we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on.
It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm
shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!"
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She
glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer
to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
His voice softens. "*Anything*??"
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"
A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously
tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the
mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested
that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using
any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance
of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and
decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water
sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have
it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle
breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this
world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately
applied a soft talc to his rear.
Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.When she appeared, he cried out,
"What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"
The nurse replied,
"Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which
stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"
where do babies come from?
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her
daughter walks in.
Child: "Mother where do babies come from?"
Mother: "Well dear... Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get
married. One night they go into their bedroom... they kiss and hug and have
sex.(The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in
the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey."
Child: Oh, I see but the other night when I came into your room you
had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mother: Jewelry, dear.
These four gents go out to play golf one day. One is detained in the
clubhouse and the remaining three are discussing their children while
walking to the first tee.
"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the
homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter,but now owns his own design and
construction firm. He's so successful that in his last year he was
able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man not to be outdone, told how his daughter began her
career as a car salesperson, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "She's so
successful, in fact, in the last six months she gave a friend two
brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son had worked his way up through a stock brokerage
firm and in the last few weeks had given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives, they tell him that they have been
discussing their children and ask him about his son.
"To tell the truth,I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been in and out of work and I've
just recently discovered he's a bisexual. But, on the bright side, he
must be good at what he does because his last three lovers have given him a
brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
Dishes and Vaseline
Bill is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great
price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline
over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her
parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She
tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't
done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Bill sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are
piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Bill
decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table
and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little
flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back
down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a
repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and
her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Bill
remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon
witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and
"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE DISHES!!"
A new priest and his first mass.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of
vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his
1) Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and Spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was
stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for
the grub, yeah God"
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
15) Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
A guy checks into the penthouse suite at Caesar's in Vegas. He's a real high
roller so he calls the front desks and has them send him the highest priced
hooker in town. When she shows up he asks her "how much for a hand job?"
tells him $500.
$500??!! Thats a lot of money for a hand job.
says come here, she walks to the window, pulls the curtain back and points at
a convenience store a few blocks away. "I own that store she says. Built it
from the ground up on $500 hand jobs."
The guy is really impressed, so he pays
for the hand job and it's great...cums like a race horse. Has a cigarette and
gets a sandwich from room service. Feeling strong again he asks, "how much
for a blow job?"
$5000 says the hooker.
$5000???!! That's a lot of money
for a blow job.
She takes him to the window, points at a mini-casino down the
street and says, "i own that casino. Built it from the ground up on $5000
He's really impressed now, so he pays $5000 for the blow job.
It's the best he ever had...cums like a race horse again. Has another
cigarette and feeling stronger again says, "How much if I wanted some pussy
The hooker says "Pussy?? If I had a pussy I'd own this town!"
It's Christmas time at the condominiums and everyone is putting $3.00 or $5.00
in envelopes and giving them to the mailman. The mailman is picking up all of
his envelopes when one woman who lives there approaches him and says, "I have
your Christmas present upstairs."
He follows her upstairs and she tells him
to go into the bedroom, get undressed and she'll join him in a minute. She
comes into the bedroom and they have great sex. When they're done she tells
him to get dressed and go into the kitchen and she'll make him some coffee.
He gets dressed and goes to the kitchen and while he's drinking his coffee she
says, "Thanks, I had a real nice time. Here's a dollar."
He says, "A dollar?
"Just take it" she says.
"Lady, I can't take the dollar from you, you
have been too nice to me already."
She says, "You don't understand...my
husband said I have to give you a dollar."
He said, "Your husband? You're
right lady, I don't understand. Maybe you better explain it to me."
she said, "I was talking to my husband this morning and I said honey, it's
Christmas time, what should I do about the postman...should I give him $3 or
$5?" and my husband said, "The postman? Fuck the postman, give him a dollar."
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to
tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today,
and I've been asked to admit only people who have had
particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my
wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try
to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment,
I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around
didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.
Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was
this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!
By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking
him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I
went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting
hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for
long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell
into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore,
so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over
the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all
the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died
there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let
the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven
being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor
of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out
on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or
something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and
caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I
couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out
onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started
beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he
ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding
on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and
fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I
was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes
falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and
asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO MALTA
(must be read with an italian accent, preferably out loud)
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat
breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me
only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I
say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you
better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the
lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a
spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me
everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the
table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I
don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed.
Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to
toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you
better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man
and he call me sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I
say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
Plane crashes on a desert island. 15 survivors. 3 Italians, two men
and a woman, 3 French people, 2 men and a woman, 3 Germans (you get
the picture), 3 Greeks and 3 Brits.
Six months later....
One Italian man had killed the other and was living with the woman.
The French had a delightful menage a trois.
The Germans had a strict rotation. Hans on odd days, Franz on even.
The Greek men were living together and had the woman doing the house
And the Brits....were waiting to be introduced to each other.
Give Us This Day...
A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the
papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you.
If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily
bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' we will donate $500
million dollars to the Church".
The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word
of the Lord and it must not be changed".
"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to
the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily
bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...."
Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the
Lord and it must not be changed".
Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate
$5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us
this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'"
and he leaves.
Next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he
has good news and bad news.
"The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion".
"The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account".
THE BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR
One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT O'HONEY, so he took MARY JANE
behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to
feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLL. He
let out a SNICKER as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused
a MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH HENRY" as she sqeezed his PETER PAUL and
ZAGNUTS. MARY JANE said, "You are even better than the THREE MUSKETEERS."
Soon she was a bit CHUNKY and nine months later had a BABY RUTH.
A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to
open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like
to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three
The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old
lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person
looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of
green stuff with big denominations.
This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get
the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the
little old lady to his office to handle it personally.
Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.
She says, "Gambling."
"Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?"
"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win.
For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your
balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000
you'd be willing to wager on that?"
The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet
lilttle old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan
Bank without knowing something about money.
"I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I
wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like
The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and
I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"
"Ok, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it.
"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a
three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The
president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep
the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for
impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds
of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.
When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.
"Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the
"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any
"No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and
I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.
"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to
verify things personally! Please drop your pants."
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd
want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to
him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.
"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a
bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the
wall and moaning.
"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.
"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for
$1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan
Bank by the balls by noon today."
Little Johnny tells it like it is
Little Johnny was seven years old, and like other boys his age,
rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from
other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day
he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind
the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything
to his mother.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off
most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her. I figured
sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He
must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse
to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as
good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her
heart. He was getting sick too, because pretty soon, both of them
started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must
have been getting cold, because he put it under her skirt. About
this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the
fever started. I know it was a fever, because sis told him she was
really HOT. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick. . . a
big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. HONEST!
Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When
sis saw it, she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth
fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I
should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!
Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head
off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess
it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it
tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over
the eel's head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on
it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put of a
hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing, and her
boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the
eel by squishing it between them.
After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her
boyfriend sat up and, sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew
it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides
were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired form the
battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and
kissing her again. And, by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It
jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like
cats. . . they have nine lives or something. This time sis jumped up
and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about thirty-five
minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead
this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush
it down the toilet."
WHAT AM I?
This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the
functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually
found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a
clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.
In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly,
sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is
thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often
quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found
listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmicm, pulsing sound,
resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn,
it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which
will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from
it's long, glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing
and cleaning liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to it's
freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action,
hopefully reaching it's bristling climax twice or three times a day,
but often much less.
WHAT AM I????
As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other
than your very own:
A Poem Written by an African Shakespeare
Dear white fella
Couple things you should know
When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black.
You white fella
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey.
And you have the cheek to call me colored?????
Joe, a duck hunter wanted to get a good dog to help him get some
duck's, so he went to see Jim.
"Jim have you got a dog for me?"
"Well, Joe I've just got this one dog left but he's a good dog and I
want $5,000 for him."
Joe thought that was a hell of a lot of money for a dog and insisted
that before he spent that kind of money he had to see the dog perform.
Jim insisted the dog was worth every penny and took Joe and the dog to a
"Go find the ducks Butch!", Jim said to his dog. 5 minutes later
the dog comes back, stands pointing to the southwest corner of the lake
and barks once.
"What does that mean?" Joe asked.
"Well, there's one duck in the southeast corner of the lake", replied
Jim. They both went to check it out and sure enough there was one
duck just where jim said, so they went to another lake and Jim lets
the dog out again. "go find ducks Butch!"
Butch comes back, stands pointing NW, barks onec, pauses and then
"What does that mean?" Says Joe
"There's one duck in the NW corner of the lake and a little further
out there is another duck. After checking it out and finding it was
true Joe just couldn't believe it and bought Butch right away.
Next weekend one the advice of some working buddies, Joe goes to a
lake that is supposed to be really good for ducks .......
"Go find ducks Butch" 5 minutes later Butch comes back with a hard-on and wagging his head
around with a branch in his mouth. Must have found a female companion out there,
Joe thinks. So Joe sends Butch out again but get's the same response
so he goes back to see Jim.
"Jim I wnat my money back, Butch doesn't work for me"
"What do mean?" Asks Jim.
Joe tells Jim what happened and Jim replies.
"Its not Butch's fault, you just gotta know how to read your dog.
He's trying to tell you that there's more fucking ducks out
there than you can shake a stick at!"
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a
sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight
without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet,
conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One
day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat,
shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the
bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says,
"OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really
aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally
lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that
would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the
freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird
kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At
first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may
be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he
opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,
"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve
my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has
come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the
I'm gonna get lucky
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist
says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young
man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while
and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's
"the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're
going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.
Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give
me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her
parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He
begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The
girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a
religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me
that your father is a pharmacist."
All you S.O.B.s
A few days after christmas, a mother working in the kitchen was listen- ing to
her son playing with his new eletric train in the livingroom. She heard the
train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the
hell off now 'cause this is the last stop...and all of you sons of bitches who
are getting' on, get your asses in the train 'cause we're leaving!".
The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this
house, now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you
may play with your train, but I want you to use nicer language."
Two hours later, her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his train. Soon
the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are
disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your be- longings with
you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope you will ride with us
again soon, for those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow all of your
hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking execpt in the
club car. We hope that you will all have a pleasant and relaxing journey with
us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay,
please see the bitch in the kitchen."
WHO'S THE BOSS?
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss. The
brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be
The feet said, "Since I carry the body around to where it wants to
go, and get into position to do what the brain wants, I should be boss."
The hands said, "Since I do all the work and earn all the money to
keep the rest of you going, I should be boss."
And so it went with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes. And finally,
the asshole spoke up and demanded that it be made boss. All the other
parts just laughed and laughed at the idea of an asshole being boss.
The asshole was so angered that it blocked itself off and refused to
Soon the brain was feverish; the eyes crossed and ached; the feet
were too weak to walk; the hands hung limply at the sides; the heart and lungs
struggled to keep going.
All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be boss. And
so it happened. All the other parts did all the work, and the asshole just
bossed and passed out a lot of shit.
THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be boss, just an asshole.
It seems that Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball
game. The game was about to start when one of the Secret
Service agents whispered something in Bill's ear.
Bill looks at the agent very strangely, shrugs his shoulders,
grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck, and by the belt, and
tosses her over the fence onto the playing field.
The agent looks shocked and says to the President:
No, no, Mr. President! I said you had to throw out the first PITCH!
The world according to Steven Wright:
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered
French toast during the Renaissance.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house
and four people died.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy
was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24
hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they
ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them
While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced
it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every
so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a
call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I
never have to go upstairs.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you
know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't
going to be out that long."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't
you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and
farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go."
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor.
Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking
spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the
entire area was missing.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
like I'm the only one moving.
For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place
to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means
it's going to be up all night.
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast
all over the world.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep
good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my
socks." She said, "They're behind the couch."
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and
went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter
I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just
that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was
an only child . . . eventually.
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far
that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch
yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.