"you wouldn't happen to have....?"
BAR APPLE
Faith
X-Mas present
Proxy Fathers
Anything
Ladies' Room
where do babies come from?
Our Children
 Dishes and Vaseline
 A new priest and his first mass
The Hooker
The Postman
Bad Death
Give Us This Day...
THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO MALTA
Those Brits
THE BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR
Banker Joke
Little Johnny tells it like it is
WHAT AM I?
A Poem Written by an African Shakespeare
Duck Hound
Swearing Parot
I'm gonna get lucky
All you S.O.B.s
WHO'S THE BOSS?
Play Ball
The world according to Steven Wright

"you wouldn't happen to have....?"

There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A hurricane came up unexpectedly and the ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank" "Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"

"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".

"But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"

"Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, she said. Where do you live?"

At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place, she said." So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much, she said, but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?"

"No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke." "It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still, how about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship". "Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.

"You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.

And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me, she asked, we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now."
"Yes there is, the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an Internet connection?"

BAR APPLE

This guy walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and asks for a rum and coke.
The bartender puts an apple on the table...the guy looks at it and repeats..I said I want a rum and coke.
The bartender says just try the apple.
So the guy bites into the apple...and replies, wow this taste like rum.
The bartender tells him to turn it around...he bites in again and replies, wow it taste like coke.
A minute later another guy walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic.
The bartender puts an apple on the table...this guy just as confused as the first explains he wants a gin and tonic.
The guy next to him urges him to try it.
So the guy bites into it...wow it taste like gin.
The guy tells him to turn it around...he bites in it again...wow it taste like tonic.

Later that night another guy walks in a joins the two guys at the bar. The guys are so excited about these apples that they tell this guy that the bartender has an apple for which ever taste you want.
So the guy asks for an apple that taste like pussy.

The bartender puts the apple on the table.....the guy bites into it and says...this taste like SHIT!!!

The bartender replies...turn it around!

Faith

There's was a horrendous storm which caused massive flooding for miles around this village. The flooding continued for at least a week. Now there was this one resident who was an extremely religious elderly man.

On the second day of flooding, the National Guard evacuated the entire village, but the man refused to go. "This is my home," he said "and I am staying. I have put my faith in God to protect me and keep me from harm."

On the third day, the flood was about six feet deep, and the man took refuge on the roof of his house. A woman in a rowboat came by to try to rescue the man. He refused to go. "I believe that God will protect me. I have faith."

On the fourth day, the flood had begun to creep onto the roof. A Coast Guard boat came by and tried to convince the old man to come with them. "I'm not leaving," he stated. "This is my home. God will protect me."

On the fifth day, the old man was standing on the very top of the roof and the water was up to his knees. A helicopter came to rescue him with a rope-ladder, but he would not be rescued. "Leave me be. My God will protect me."

On the sixth day, the old man drowned.

When the old man finally made it through the pearly gates and was presented before God, he said "God, I've had great faith in you throughout my life, but I can't help but feel that in my last hours, when I needed you most, you left me to drown. Why did you leave me behind that way?"

And God said, "I sent you two boats and a helicopter! What else do you want?!?"

X-Mas present

A young man wished to buy a Christmas present for his sweetheart and, as they had not been dating long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would be romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the gift wrapping, the items got mixed up. (The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents, the young man sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart with the following note:

Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show how much I love you this Christmas. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked good wearing them. There was another black pair with lace trim that I thought you'd really like, but it seemed to gripped too tightly when both your sister and the sales girl tried them on for me; in fact, I had to use both hands to help each of them slip out of those.

I wish I could be there to put them on you for the first time as, no doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have the chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.

With all my love,
Jimmy

P.S. The sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the latest style, folded down with the fur showing.

Proxy Fathers

 The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father - a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell...

Ms Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to-"
Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."
Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."
Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"
Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."
Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Ms Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!"


Anything

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"*Anything*."
His voice softens. "*Anything*??"
"*Anything*."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"

Ladies' Room

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.

Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"

The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"

where do babies come from?

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
Child: "Mother where do babies come from?"
Mother: "Well dear... Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom... they kiss and hug and have sex.(The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey."
Child: Oh, I see but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mother: Jewelry, dear.

Our Children

These four gents go out to play golf one day. One is detained in the clubhouse and the remaining three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter,but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful that in his last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man not to be outdone, told how his daughter began her career as a car salesperson, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "She's so successful, in fact, in the last six months she gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son had worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm and in the last few weeks had given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives, they tell him that they have been discussing their children and ask him about his son.

"To tell the truth,I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been in and out of work and I've just recently discovered he's a bisexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three lovers have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

Dishes and Vaseline

Bill is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Bill sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Bill decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Bill remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE DISHES!!"

A new priest and his first mass.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

1) Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
15) Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.

The Hooker

A guy checks into the penthouse suite at Caesar's in Vegas. He's a real high roller so he calls the front desks and has them send him the highest priced hooker in town. When she shows up he asks her "how much for a hand job?"
She tells him $500.
$500??!! Thats a lot of money for a hand job.
The hooker says come here, she walks to the window, pulls the curtain back and points at a convenience store a few blocks away. "I own that store she says. Built it from the ground up on $500 hand jobs."
The guy is really impressed, so he pays for the hand job and it's great...cums like a race horse. Has a cigarette and gets a sandwich from room service. Feeling strong again he asks, "how much for a blow job?"
$5000 says the hooker.
$5000???!! That's a lot of money for a blow job.
She takes him to the window, points at a mini-casino down the street and says, "i own that casino. Built it from the ground up on $5000 blow jobs."
He's really impressed now, so he pays $5000 for the blow job. It's the best he ever had...cums like a race horse again. Has another cigarette and feeling stronger again says, "How much if I wanted some pussy from you?"
The hooker says "Pussy?? If I had a pussy I'd own this town!"

The Postman

It's Christmas time at the condominiums and everyone is putting $3.00 or $5.00 in envelopes and giving them to the mailman. The mailman is picking up all of his envelopes when one woman who lives there approaches him and says, "I have your Christmas present upstairs."
He follows her upstairs and she tells him to go into the bedroom, get undressed and she'll join him in a minute. She comes into the bedroom and they have great sex. When they're done she tells him to get dressed and go into the kitchen and she'll make him some coffee.
He gets dressed and goes to the kitchen and while he's drinking his coffee she says, "Thanks, I had a real nice time. Here's a dollar."
He says, "A dollar? Why?"
"Just take it" she says.
"Lady, I can't take the dollar from you, you have been too nice to me already."
She says, "You don't understand...my husband said I have to give you a dollar."
He said, "Your husband? You're right lady, I don't understand. Maybe you better explain it to me."
"Well", she said, "I was talking to my husband this morning and I said honey, it's Christmas time, what should I do about the postman...should I give him $3 or $5?" and my husband said, "The postman? Fuck the postman, give him a dollar."

Bad Death

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO MALTA

(must be read with an italian accent, preferably out loud)

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

Those Brits

Plane crashes on a desert island. 15 survivors. 3 Italians, two men and a woman, 3 French people, 2 men and a woman, 3 Germans (you get the picture), 3 Greeks and 3 Brits.

Six months later....

One Italian man had killed the other and was living with the woman.

The French had a delightful menage a trois.

The Germans had a strict rotation. Hans on odd days, Franz on even.

The Greek men were living together and had the woman doing the house work.

And the Brits....were waiting to be introduced to each other.

Give Us This Day...

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church".

The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed".
"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...."
Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed".

Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.

Next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news.
"The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion".
"The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account".

THE BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT O'HONEY, so he took MARY JANE behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out a SNICKER as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH HENRY" as she sqeezed his PETER PAUL and ZAGNUTS. MARY JANE said, "You are even better than the THREE MUSKETEERS."
Soon she was a bit CHUNKY and nine months later had a BABY RUTH.

Banker Joke

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."

The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.

This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.

Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.

She says, "Gambling."

"Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?"

"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet lilttle old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money.

"I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"

The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"

"Ok, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it.

"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.

"Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.

"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"

"No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.

"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.

"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."

Little Johnny tells it like it is

Little Johnny was seven years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. He was getting sick too, because pretty soon, both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever, because sis told him she was really HOT. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick. . . a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. HONEST!

Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put of a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing, and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and, sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired form the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And, by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats. . . they have nine lives or something. This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about thirty-five minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet."

Mother fainted.

WHAT AM I?

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmicm, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from it's long, glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleaning liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to it's freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching it's bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

WHAT AM I????

As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own:
TOOTHBRUSH

A Poem Written by an African Shakespeare

Dear white fella
Couple things you should know
When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black.
You white fella
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey. And you have the cheek to call me colored?????

Duck Hound

Joe, a duck hunter wanted to get a good dog to help him get some duck's, so he went to see Jim.
"Jim have you got a dog for me?"
"Well, Joe I've just got this one dog left but he's a good dog and I want $5,000 for him."
Joe thought that was a hell of a lot of money for a dog and insisted that before he spent that kind of money he had to see the dog perform. Jim insisted the dog was worth every penny and took Joe and the dog to a nearby lake.

"Go find the ducks Butch!", Jim said to his dog. 5 minutes later the dog comes back, stands pointing to the southwest corner of the lake and barks once.
"What does that mean?" Joe asked.
"Well, there's one duck in the southeast corner of the lake", replied Jim. They both went to check it out and sure enough there was one duck just where jim said, so they went to another lake and Jim lets the dog out again. "go find ducks Butch!"
Butch comes back, stands pointing NW, barks onec, pauses and then barks again.
"What does that mean?" Says Joe
"There's one duck in the NW corner of the lake and a little further out there is another duck. After checking it out and finding it was true Joe just couldn't believe it and bought Butch right away.

Next weekend one the advice of some working buddies, Joe goes to a lake that is supposed to be really good for ducks ....... "Go find ducks Butch" 5 minutes later Butch comes back with a hard-on and wagging his head around with a branch in his mouth. Must have found a female companion out there, Joe thinks. So Joe sends Butch out again but get's the same response so he goes back to see Jim.
"Jim I wnat my money back, Butch doesn't work for me"
"What do mean?" Asks Jim.
Joe tells Jim what happened and Jim replies.
"Its not Butch's fault, you just gotta know how to read your dog.
He's trying to tell you that there's more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

Swearing Parot

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

I'm gonna get lucky

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

All you S.O.B.s

A few days after christmas, a mother working in the kitchen was listen- ing to her son playing with his new eletric train in the livingroom. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now 'cause this is the last stop...and all of you sons of bitches who are getting' on, get your asses in the train 'cause we're leaving!".

The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house, now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nicer language."

Two hours later, her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your be- longings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope you will ride with us again soon, for those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking execpt in the club car. We hope that you will all have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

WHO'S THE BOSS?

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss. The brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be boss."

The feet said, "Since I carry the body around to where it wants to go, and get into position to do what the brain wants, I should be boss." The hands said, "Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be boss."

And so it went with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes. And finally, the asshole spoke up and demanded that it be made boss. All the other parts just laughed and laughed at the idea of an asshole being boss.

The asshole was so angered that it blocked itself off and refused to function.
Soon the brain was feverish; the eyes crossed and ached; the feet were too weak to walk; the hands hung limply at the sides; the heart and lungs struggled to keep going.

All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be boss. And so it happened. All the other parts did all the work, and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of shit.

THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be boss, just an asshole.

Play Ball

It seems that Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game. The game was about to start when one of the Secret Service agents whispered something in Bill's ear.

Bill looks at the agent very strangely, shrugs his shoulders, grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck, and by the belt, and tosses her over the fence onto the playing field.

The agent looks shocked and says to the President:

No, no, Mr. President! I said you had to throw out the first PITCH!

The world according to Steven Wright:

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

You can't have everything...where would you put it?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go."

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch."

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child . . . eventually.

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.