Top ten signs you should spend time away from computers:

10. Your blood pressure is 640 over 480.
9. Every time you drown, Philippe Kahn's life passes before your eyes.
8. You can't remember the last time you went out with your buddies and got seriously defragged.
7. You turn down dates because you have to clean your Windows directory tonight.
6. As your significant other is walking out on you, you plead "Can't we just do a clean boot?"
5. When you don't agree with people, you keep saying NAK at them.
4. Your life has lost its meaning since Intel and Microsoft announced Plug and Play.
3. 900 numbers? Never touch 'em. But you've racked up $2,500 in IRC connect-time bills this year.
2. The Microsoft Natural Keyboard seems like a pretty neat idea.
1. You got more than half the jokes in this list.


TOP TEN REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE!

10. Size does matter.
9. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
8. The lights go on, but nodbodys home.
7. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
6. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right button
4. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
3. It is always necessary to have a backup.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless!


You know you're addicted to the Internet When...

-You refuse to go on a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines
-Your bookmark takes fifteen minutes to scroll from top to bottom
-You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited".
-Your phone bill comes to your door in a box
-You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape
-All of your friends have an @ in their names
-The last girl/guy you picked up was only a jpeg
-You start tilting your head sideways to smile :-)
-Your eyeglasses have a website burned in on them
-You don't know the sex of your closest friends because they all have neutral nicknames
-You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
-You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
-You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved
-You kiss your girlfriends home page instead of her.
-You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim/html
-You actually try that 123.elm.street address
-You wake up at 3am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
-You check your e-mail. It says no messages, so you check it again.
-Your fantasy dreams at night at in HTML.

And the number 1 reason you know you're addicted to the Internet is when...
-You get a tatoo that says, "This body is best viewed with Netscape 3.1 or higher."


Why the Internet is like a Penis

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but hard to get any real work done.
If you don't apply protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses- and confuses- yours.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If you're not careful, it can get you in big trouble.
Some people have it, some don't
People who have it would be devastated if it were cut off- and they think those who don't have it want it.
People who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy but think it's not worth the fuss made about it.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.
Some people would play with it all day if they didn't have to work. Of course, some people do anyways!


New Computer Viruses

Bobbit Virus: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then reattaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T Virus: Every three minutes tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of an impending hard disk attack once if by LAN, twice if by C:>

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Right to Life Virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot Virus: Activates every componenet in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

Mario Cuomo Virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. Ted Turner Virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Arnold Schwarzeneger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Dan Quayle Virus #1: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle Virus #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe just cant figyour out watt!!

Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Gallup Virus: Sixty percent of PC's infected will lose 38% of their data 14% of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error)

Terry Randle Virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever your choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas Virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file

Adam & Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own motherboard.

PBS Virus: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Ollie North Virus: Causes your computer to become paper shredder.

Nike Virus: Just does it.

Sears Virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and set of shocks.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again.

Congressional Virus: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Kevorkian Virus: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

Imelda Marcos Virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy

Star Trek Virus: Invades you system in places no virus has gone before.

Health Care Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

George Bush Virus: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs... No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

Cleveland Indians Virus: Makes your 486/50 perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on the your PC and erases them in self defense.

OJ Simpson Virus #1: Leaves your data at Nicole Simpson's condo, then when the police retrieves the data it will no longer fit on your hard drive.

OJ Simpson Virus #2: / / \ / / \ Esc